I miss Grandad

As the anniversary of Dad's death approached I was very aware of what date it was everyday. That in itself is strange. I rarely know what the date is. I struggle just knowing what day of the week it is. My other friends who are stay at home mums say they're the same. I wasn't sure how I'd feel on the 19th Feb. I woke up and it was an ordinary day and I actually felt ok. I'd organised with my brothers to get flowers for mum. She was travelling back home to Tassie from a week on the Gold Coast with my brother Simeon, so my youngest brother Reuben went and bought a lovely big bunch of flowers and a note from all of us. Mum rang me when she arrived home and was so happy we were all thinking of her. I'm glad she had a lovely stay with Sim and his girl, Jacky. I think it probably took her mind off things for a while at least. She still had a bit of a cry on the phone to me but to me she sounded pretty good.

So dad's anniversary came and went but grief is a funny thing and just hits you full force at random times. I was attending a meeting at church on a Sunday evening a few weeks ago. We were blessed with the opportunity to have an Australia wide broadcast with an apostle from the church, Elder David A Bednar. I learned a lot and felt inspired by a few things he'd discussed. However, as I was leaving I overheard an elderly man talking to a group of people. They asked him how he was and he replied with something like 'well pretty good considering I have cancer. I'm glad I'm still around at 78.' My heart started aching almost immediately with longing for my dad...not longing for him for my benefit though. I just felt like he'd been robbed of the opportunity to enjoy his Grandsons and for them to have his amazing influence in their life. I did not begrudge this man of his life. I just felt like asking God why he got to live and Dad had to die so young! I'm usually the one telling my mum not to think like this as she has said those very words to me many times. I do not believe that God punishes people but it's still hard not to think "if only" sometimes. 

About a week ago mum rang me and sounded quite excited. She proceeded to tell me that she'd had a really amazing experience. She told me that she had been struggling with feelings of anger and was seriously considering writing to the hospital about Dad's specialist and the poor care he'd received in the last few months before he died. However, she kept getting prompted to clean out the garage again and go through a particular box that she'd already sorted through after Dad died. In the box she found a little notebook and turned straight to a page that read these words that dad had written 

"Let go what you cant change. I will love you forever in this life and the next. 

Accept what is! Let go of what was! Have faith in what will be." 

It is basically what the boys and I have been advising her to do. But this message was directly from dad and she said that as she read it she felt like Dad was speaking directly to her and that the feeling she had to check the box was Dad communicating to her. I readily agreed. My friend who lost her son and husband has had so many experiences where rainbows will appear at certain times and it's like her loved ones are communicating to her and her family from Heaven. Another girl on Instagram finds little love heart shaped items wherever she goes. She calls them love notes from CJ (Her late husband). I truly feel that the loved ones we lose still communicate with us in unique yet very personal ways. Simeon told mum that Jacky dreamt about dad. Simeon met Jacky after Dad passed away yet she woke up Sim in the middle of the night to tell him that she'd met dad in her dreams and loved him so much. Sim said she was so excited and said it had felt so real. I remember Sim talking about meeting Jacky and how he'd felt Dad had led her to Sim. Our grief is still there but it's nice to be able to recognise the blessings that come within tragedy. 

For the past week or so Will has been very emotional. He started talking to me about having a friend in Heaven. I asked who this friend was and he said he didn't know. A day later he was sitting at the table during lunch and looked up at me, tears filled his eyes and he choked on the words "I miss Grandad." Will hasn't said anything about Dad for a few months and I was beginning to worry that he'd started to forget him.  I'd talked about him but not gotten much response from Will previously or he'd say "I don't miss Grandad. He's in Heaven."....Will and I had a big hug and I told him I really missed him too. He then said that he wished Grandad was here so he could read him stories and sing his silly song to him. My dad used to sing this funny little song to Will. 

"Oh dear what can the matter be, Three old ladies got stuck in the Lavatory,

They were there from Monday to Saturday, no-body knew they were there!"

I started singing it and Will asked me to stop. I had a little cry with Will and told him that Grandad can't be with us but that he watches over us from Heaven. Will asked me If Grandad was coming back from Heaven soon? It's hard to know what to say to that. I've told Will that we will be resurrected someday, just like the Saviour, but his concept of time is still a child's understanding so I don't want to confuse him. Last Sunday we had Bill and Sue over after church for the afternoon. Pete and I were preparing dinner in the kitchen and I heard Will talking to his Grandpa Bill. He said "Grandpa, I miss my Grandad!" I started crying and had a big hug with Pete as Bill gave Will a hug and said he knew he was missing Grandad. I said to Will that we'd have to watch some videos of him with his Grandad but I hate to say that we've yet to do that. Life has been so hectic the past few weeks but I must do this with Will so he can feel that connection and remember the things he loves about his Grandad and the special relationship they have. 

With Easter fast approaching I hope I can find simple ways to teach Will about the Atonement and the role of the Savior. That because of him we will be able to be reunited with his Grandad and live as families for eternity. 

I tracked down the last video I took of Dad. It's the afternoon we arrived In Tassie to visit Dad 2 weeks before he passed away. It's taken on my phone and edited so it's at the right angle, so the quality isn't great. It's such a sweet video. I know Will is going to love watching it tomorrow. 

Dad's coat

Right after our move to Adelaide my mum came to visit for a couple of weeks. At that stage, Dad had only been gone for a couple of months and things were still pretty raw. I still wasn't really grieving properly and it was just an odd time. Mum had brought over a coat of Dad's and a couple of shirts for Peter. I really wasn't keen but mum ended up leaving them here. I put Dad's coat in the spare room (that was a dumping ground for anything we couldn't unpack properly) and forgot about soon after.

I'd begun grieving right after mum left in May last year and went through a really dark time for a few months. During this time, I'd gone to get some baby clothes for Henry from the spare room and noticed dad's coat in a bag. I picked it up and it smelt so strongly like my dad. So many memories can flooding back but it was a source of comfort. I would find myself from time to time taking his coat out and taking a few moments to just hold it and have a good ol' sniff. It made me happy and doing it made me wonder if Dad would be having a laugh at me from Heaven at me smelling his coat :-)

At some point I put the coat away when I was sorting through some stuff. I hung it in the wardrobe and forgot about it. With mum due to visit in January for Will's 4th Birthday, Pete and I spent an evening sorting through the spare room and making it welcoming for mum to sleep in there. I was moving things into the wardrobe when I noticed Dad's coat. I took it out and gave it a sniff but was devastated in moments when I discovered that his smell had completely gone. I started sobbing on the spot whilst holding onto his coat. I managed to tell Pete that his smell had gone and I completely broke down crying. Pete took the coat and wrapped it around me and hugged it into me. He said that Dad would want to give me a huge hug. As he wrapped the coat around me in a hug it felt as though it was my Dad hugging me vicariously through Peter. I felt as though he was watching over me in that very moment and using Peter to give me the biggest Daddy hug he could. I felt so much love and was grateful that even though his smell had left, he was still around and I could feel him with me. I'm so glad mum insisted on giving me his coat. I don't know whether I'll ever use it again...at least not in the same way, but it is comforting to know that even a small piece of my Dad is hanging in my wardrobe. I'll remember that when I am aching for a Daddy hug, I can cuddle into his coat and imagine that he's here with me. 

A letter to my Dad

Dear Dad, a.k.a Dezza, a.k.a Homer ;-)

You have occupied my thoughts so much this past week. As I carefully selected Father's Day cards for Pete and his dad I read so many beautiful verses that reminded me of you. I know how much you loved a card with a heartfelt verse. Even if there was no present for you, you'd always be happy with a lovely card. I almost bought you one but I chose to just write you this letter instead. I have no idea how much you can see and experience of earth life being where you are. I often wonder if you are looking down on us and hope you are happy with what you see. 

I have a favourite photo of you that I put on the mantle in the kitchen. It looks like you're looking right at me and your soft smile warms my heart. Seeing your picture has given me the strength to overcome my anger at times and I pretend that you're actually able to see me and it influences me for good. Life has been so crappy until recently. One of the things that helped me to keep going was knowing that you would be cheering me on from Heaven and sending love down to me. I haven't felt your presence as such, but I definitely draw strength from the legacy you have given me. Though I am quite sure that when I was talking to Henry the other day, I could have sworn he looked at me with your eyes. Such a special and rare moment. 

Simeon says he feels you around and you should see how much he has grown. He has really taken over your role as the Father figure in our family. He does like to give lots of advice which is amusing...considering how much he used to hate you giving it to him. Reuben has been great too - cooking for mum, doing stuff around the house for her. The boys would make you very proud. I am proud of them and feel closer to them than I ever have. 

Mum is hanging in there. She has her bad days but is keeping really busy. She is so strong. I don't know how she does it! She just got a gorgeous little puppy. A little companion to attack her with love every day will be brilliant!

I am a bit nervous about Father's Day tomorrow. I am hoping I can keep it together at church as I have a lesson to teach in Young Women's and don't want to be a mess. I have been doing quite well the past few weeks though. I feel more like myself than I have since you passed away. I'm finally feeling more positive and learning to recognise emotions and thoughts and altering associated behaviour. I'm talking to someone and sorting through the multitude of feelings that threatened to consume me. It's really helping! Every time I learn something in these sessions I just wish that I could chat to you about it. You would find so much of it really interesting. I miss our conversations on philosophy, religion and just everything. You were my sounding board for so many ideas and concerns...even though I have Pete, he doesn't have your wisdom...not yet at least :-)

I feel very confident that you are happy and free from pain. I know that you are doing important work on the other side of the veil and feel that you are blessing our family immeasurably. I hope I can live in a way to be deserving of all that I have, for I have been so abundantly blessed. 

With tomorrow being Father's Day my thoughts will be focused on you through much of the day. I don't want to be a mess thinking about you. I hope I can think of you and spend the day with a goofy smile on my face as I remember so many happy memories. I have no idea what you're up to tomorrow but I hope you think of us and know how much we love, miss and cherish you. 

Happy Father's Day Dad.

Love, Missy xx

Dad's Eulogy

Derek Anthony Jones was born at home on the 6^th May 1950, at Glouster St Wolverhampton, England. He was the third child born to Ronald and Beryl and the only child born at home. Derek’s older sister Pat was desperate for a little sister so the Doctor told her “I’m sorry Pat, I haven’t got a little sister for you. I only have a little baby boy. Shall I take him back?”  Pat became most upset and exclaimed “Oh no!!” She was smitten with her little brother and doted on him whilst still calling him “Judy” for a little while. Derek and Pat have always been very close and spent a lot of time together growing up. All of the children got along rather well and spent a lot of time together in their youth.

Dad was a bit of a mummy’s boy and extremely shy as a child. When he learnt to write at school his class were asked to write about their mothers. Dad wrote that his mother was tall, slim and had dark hair. When his parents questioned why he had written this he said “ Well, I didn’t want to tell them you were short, fat and got red hair!” He didn’t mention that his mother was 8 months pregnant at the time!

His parents joined the Latter-Day Saint church in 1953 and he was raised in a gospel-centred home, often filled with Missionaries and other members of the church for various activities and social functions. The Jones Family immigrated to Australia in 1959 and settled in Elizabeth, SA.

In his teenage years he was a bit of a loner and detested school; especially the triple lesson of Maths on a Wednesday afternoon. He used to wag that class a lot. He was a real homebody and remained quite shy in his youth. He was however, a bit of a heart-throb. His mother often recalled various young girls knocking on the door asking for Derek! Even though dad left school at the end of year 9 he was very intelligent. His writing was eloquent and he was the one who would spend hours if necessary helping us with homework. Even when I went to Uni I would spend hours on the phone with him discussing my essays and getting his advice. Dad was never too busy. I can’t recall a single occasion when he didn’t drop everything to help out with us children or someone in need.

When he and his siblings were teenagers the house would often be filled with people on Saturday nights for “Musical nights.” Dad and his siblings would play the popular music at the time, (mostly Rock N Roll) and they would dance and sing along. My brothers and I remember similar evenings as children when we would sit at our dining table and play board and card games and listen to 6 o clock rock on 7LA on Saturday nights. Even as we got older we didn’t mind Dad singing away to the Beatles in the car.

Like most teenagers dad got up to his own share of mischief. The front fence of dad’s family home had a missing pailing. Ron, (Dad’s father) had been meaning to fix it for ages and it just wasn’t getting done.

Ron loaned his car to Dad and his brother, Alan one weekend. They couldn’t drive yet but had asked an Elder who was serving his building mission to drive. The Elder backed the car into the fence and the boys all madly repaired the fence (forgetting that the pailing had been missing). Ron arrived home and said “Oh boys, I want to thank you for repairing the fence for me.” It was then that youngest brother Adrian piped up “ Oh dad, they knocked the fence down.” Ron never loaned the car to them again.

Dad was quite unsettled during his teenage years and recorded in his own journal

“Like so many youths, I fell away from the things I had been taught, even neglecting school studies. After various jobs I decided to join the Royal Australian Navy, which my father believed would bring some discipline in my life. I spent 6 years in the Navy as a Radio Operator in submarines on a ship and a fleet Air Arm base in Nowra, NSW. I was fortunate to travel to Japan, The Philippines, Hong Kong, Singapore, Guam and 4 day layover in Vietnam in 1970 when the war was still raging..but beginning to wind down. I received medals from the Gov’t 17 years later and it was quite an emotional moment for me. I must say public attitude has changed (since the Vietnam War ended) and I say without fear of contradiction that myself and the general public are proud to be seen wearing my medals, plus those of my father and Grandfather who served in the RAF Malta during WW2 and the Calvary in WW1 respectively."

Shortly before Dad left the Navy he met an old girlfriend from high-school and they were married. Her name was Thelma Minahan. The marriage only lasted 2 years. Dad says they thought they could just pick up where they left off in high-school but it wasn’t meant to be. He met Jennifer Douglas when he was working as a manager at KFC. The staff had a party and dad was caught ‘eyeing’ mum off by their mutual friend. This friend decided to do a Mock wedding ceremony. Mum and dad kissed and have been together ever since. Mum said she fell madly in love with him from that moment. They were married Feb 22^nd 1980 and lived in Christies Beach, SA. I was born in 1982, followed shortly after by Dylan.

Dylan was born with Downs syndrome and had many other health complications. He passed away on 17^th Nov 1986. He had a profound impact on my parents and I. Having a child with a disability ultimately led to dad becoming a Disability Support Worker. He remained in this vocation until his retirement. Dad was well loved by the clients he worked with in many group homes and we shared many family outings and holidays with dad’s clients throughout our childhood. My brothers and I were taught to love all people and I’m so grateful for my dad’s example of treating each person whether they had a disability, mental illness or different ethnicity with respect and kindness.

 

Simeon was born in 1986, and Reuben in 1988. Dad affectionately referred to them as “The boys.” And we still call them that now. Although Dad worried about them with their typical boyish mischief he was so proud of them and made sure that with his last bit of strength he expressed that pride and his love to them. Dad didn’t leave anything unsaid and we were so grateful to express our feelings of love and gratitude back to him before he passed. We couldn’t be prouder of our amazing father.

Dad always valued the gift of time and thoughtfulness rather than material possessions. He was happy with the simple things in life and spending time with his family. When going through his treasured items after his passing it was not items of monetary possession that he kept, but personal letters from us children and cards with heartfelt messages. Family always came first and we never doubted we were his number one priority in life.

Dad spent hours in his garden and reading his books. He particularly liked books set during war times and enjoyed a lot of non-fiction. Dad liked to think that whilst he wasn’t an expert on anything, he knew a little bit about a lot of different subjects. I will miss the interesting conversations and even heated debates about different topics with my dad.

Growing up, Dad was a serious and disciplined man who us kids were almost fearful of at times. Yet, he seemed to balance the line between being feared and adored. He would come down hard on us if we were naughty but he was also the type of dad to lose himself for hours playing with us. For years Dad would give us horsey rides to bed, killing his knees on the hard floors at our old farmhouse in Bracknell. We would also enjoy mornings playing rough and tumbles on mum and dad’s bed. Dad had a great sense of humour and as he got older he developed a gentle sincere approach which endeared him to everyone he came in contact with and it is a great testament to his nature that he formed so many long lasting friendships over the years. So many of you here today.

Dad was a real softie. We would often see him tear up when watching a movie or something uplifting. If we mentioned it he would deny it. He softened even more in later years and was more comfortable admitting when he was touched by something.

Dad was a great people watcher – not to judge them. He was rarely critical of people. He simply enjoyed observing people and the way they went about life and interacted with others. He spent so much time in the hospital in the last few years that he had lots of opportunity to witness human behaviour as people came and went. He was always interested in other people and had a special way of making people feel valued and worth something. Dad seemed to connect with people that many would ignore. A few people have expressed to me that dad was one of the good guys, not in a show off kind of way but in a quiet behind the scenes way…and that is the best kind. He was a wonderful Home Teacher and tried so hard to do this important work. It was his way of showing his love for the Saviour whilst also loving the people he visited. Dad always said that he didn’t grow up with many close friends and even as a married man felt he was a bit of a loner. In his later years I believe he developed some beautiful friendships and you could tell that he was well loved.

 

Dad was completely loyal and committed to his marriage. He and mum have had many trials and although the road was often bumpy they remained steadfast to the covenants they made together in the temple. They often seemed a bit of an ‘odd’ couple as they were so different in personality but together they made a dynamic team. Dad has been mum’s rock but in the last few years mum was able to be his rock and care for him so beautifully as he battled cancer.

Dad was diagnosed with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma just before his 60^th Birthday after struggling with various stomache issues over many years. The cancer was in an advanced stage and he underwent chemo almost straight away. Dad was resolved to do all he could to get the most out of life. He maintained a positive attidtude and demonstrated so much faith to be healed. I remember Dad counselling me to start a family. Pete and I were planning on it but hadn’t taken that final plunge until Dad was diagnosed. Since then we have been blessed with 2 beautiful boys, William and Henry who were the light of their Grandad’s life. He battled his cancer for years, once going into remission and enjoying a world cruise with mum….but it was time with his grandkids that he seemed to value most of all in his final years. Will has a real closeness with his Grandad and it was such a blessing to see my dad light up around him and witness the special bond they share.

Dad never uttered a word of complaint during his battle with cancer. He was a tower of strength through it all. Everyone referred to him as a ‘fighter.’ The only thing that seemed to sadden him in the end was that he would miss out on seeing his Grandchildren grow up. However, they have his wonderful legacy and memories we will ensure they cherish and he will continue to influence all who knew him for good.

I finished off with some personal closing remarks but apart from reiterating Dad’s love for the gospel, I couldn't tell you what else I said.