Dad's coat

Right after our move to Adelaide my mum came to visit for a couple of weeks. At that stage, Dad had only been gone for a couple of months and things were still pretty raw. I still wasn't really grieving properly and it was just an odd time. Mum had brought over a coat of Dad's and a couple of shirts for Peter. I really wasn't keen but mum ended up leaving them here. I put Dad's coat in the spare room (that was a dumping ground for anything we couldn't unpack properly) and forgot about soon after.

I'd begun grieving right after mum left in May last year and went through a really dark time for a few months. During this time, I'd gone to get some baby clothes for Henry from the spare room and noticed dad's coat in a bag. I picked it up and it smelt so strongly like my dad. So many memories can flooding back but it was a source of comfort. I would find myself from time to time taking his coat out and taking a few moments to just hold it and have a good ol' sniff. It made me happy and doing it made me wonder if Dad would be having a laugh at me from Heaven at me smelling his coat :-)

At some point I put the coat away when I was sorting through some stuff. I hung it in the wardrobe and forgot about it. With mum due to visit in January for Will's 4th Birthday, Pete and I spent an evening sorting through the spare room and making it welcoming for mum to sleep in there. I was moving things into the wardrobe when I noticed Dad's coat. I took it out and gave it a sniff but was devastated in moments when I discovered that his smell had completely gone. I started sobbing on the spot whilst holding onto his coat. I managed to tell Pete that his smell had gone and I completely broke down crying. Pete took the coat and wrapped it around me and hugged it into me. He said that Dad would want to give me a huge hug. As he wrapped the coat around me in a hug it felt as though it was my Dad hugging me vicariously through Peter. I felt as though he was watching over me in that very moment and using Peter to give me the biggest Daddy hug he could. I felt so much love and was grateful that even though his smell had left, he was still around and I could feel him with me. I'm so glad mum insisted on giving me his coat. I don't know whether I'll ever use it again...at least not in the same way, but it is comforting to know that even a small piece of my Dad is hanging in my wardrobe. I'll remember that when I am aching for a Daddy hug, I can cuddle into his coat and imagine that he's here with me.