I miss Grandad

As the anniversary of Dad's death approached I was very aware of what date it was everyday. That in itself is strange. I rarely know what the date is. I struggle just knowing what day of the week it is. My other friends who are stay at home mums say they're the same. I wasn't sure how I'd feel on the 19th Feb. I woke up and it was an ordinary day and I actually felt ok. I'd organised with my brothers to get flowers for mum. She was travelling back home to Tassie from a week on the Gold Coast with my brother Simeon, so my youngest brother Reuben went and bought a lovely big bunch of flowers and a note from all of us. Mum rang me when she arrived home and was so happy we were all thinking of her. I'm glad she had a lovely stay with Sim and his girl, Jacky. I think it probably took her mind off things for a while at least. She still had a bit of a cry on the phone to me but to me she sounded pretty good.

So dad's anniversary came and went but grief is a funny thing and just hits you full force at random times. I was attending a meeting at church on a Sunday evening a few weeks ago. We were blessed with the opportunity to have an Australia wide broadcast with an apostle from the church, Elder David A Bednar. I learned a lot and felt inspired by a few things he'd discussed. However, as I was leaving I overheard an elderly man talking to a group of people. They asked him how he was and he replied with something like 'well pretty good considering I have cancer. I'm glad I'm still around at 78.' My heart started aching almost immediately with longing for my dad...not longing for him for my benefit though. I just felt like he'd been robbed of the opportunity to enjoy his Grandsons and for them to have his amazing influence in their life. I did not begrudge this man of his life. I just felt like asking God why he got to live and Dad had to die so young! I'm usually the one telling my mum not to think like this as she has said those very words to me many times. I do not believe that God punishes people but it's still hard not to think "if only" sometimes. 

About a week ago mum rang me and sounded quite excited. She proceeded to tell me that she'd had a really amazing experience. She told me that she had been struggling with feelings of anger and was seriously considering writing to the hospital about Dad's specialist and the poor care he'd received in the last few months before he died. However, she kept getting prompted to clean out the garage again and go through a particular box that she'd already sorted through after Dad died. In the box she found a little notebook and turned straight to a page that read these words that dad had written 

"Let go what you cant change. I will love you forever in this life and the next. 

Accept what is! Let go of what was! Have faith in what will be." 

It is basically what the boys and I have been advising her to do. But this message was directly from dad and she said that as she read it she felt like Dad was speaking directly to her and that the feeling she had to check the box was Dad communicating to her. I readily agreed. My friend who lost her son and husband has had so many experiences where rainbows will appear at certain times and it's like her loved ones are communicating to her and her family from Heaven. Another girl on Instagram finds little love heart shaped items wherever she goes. She calls them love notes from CJ (Her late husband). I truly feel that the loved ones we lose still communicate with us in unique yet very personal ways. Simeon told mum that Jacky dreamt about dad. Simeon met Jacky after Dad passed away yet she woke up Sim in the middle of the night to tell him that she'd met dad in her dreams and loved him so much. Sim said she was so excited and said it had felt so real. I remember Sim talking about meeting Jacky and how he'd felt Dad had led her to Sim. Our grief is still there but it's nice to be able to recognise the blessings that come within tragedy. 

For the past week or so Will has been very emotional. He started talking to me about having a friend in Heaven. I asked who this friend was and he said he didn't know. A day later he was sitting at the table during lunch and looked up at me, tears filled his eyes and he choked on the words "I miss Grandad." Will hasn't said anything about Dad for a few months and I was beginning to worry that he'd started to forget him.  I'd talked about him but not gotten much response from Will previously or he'd say "I don't miss Grandad. He's in Heaven."....Will and I had a big hug and I told him I really missed him too. He then said that he wished Grandad was here so he could read him stories and sing his silly song to him. My dad used to sing this funny little song to Will. 

"Oh dear what can the matter be, Three old ladies got stuck in the Lavatory,

They were there from Monday to Saturday, no-body knew they were there!"

I started singing it and Will asked me to stop. I had a little cry with Will and told him that Grandad can't be with us but that he watches over us from Heaven. Will asked me If Grandad was coming back from Heaven soon? It's hard to know what to say to that. I've told Will that we will be resurrected someday, just like the Saviour, but his concept of time is still a child's understanding so I don't want to confuse him. Last Sunday we had Bill and Sue over after church for the afternoon. Pete and I were preparing dinner in the kitchen and I heard Will talking to his Grandpa Bill. He said "Grandpa, I miss my Grandad!" I started crying and had a big hug with Pete as Bill gave Will a hug and said he knew he was missing Grandad. I said to Will that we'd have to watch some videos of him with his Grandad but I hate to say that we've yet to do that. Life has been so hectic the past few weeks but I must do this with Will so he can feel that connection and remember the things he loves about his Grandad and the special relationship they have. 

With Easter fast approaching I hope I can find simple ways to teach Will about the Atonement and the role of the Savior. That because of him we will be able to be reunited with his Grandad and live as families for eternity. 

I tracked down the last video I took of Dad. It's the afternoon we arrived In Tassie to visit Dad 2 weeks before he passed away. It's taken on my phone and edited so it's at the right angle, so the quality isn't great. It's such a sweet video. I know Will is going to love watching it tomorrow. 

Dad's coat

Right after our move to Adelaide my mum came to visit for a couple of weeks. At that stage, Dad had only been gone for a couple of months and things were still pretty raw. I still wasn't really grieving properly and it was just an odd time. Mum had brought over a coat of Dad's and a couple of shirts for Peter. I really wasn't keen but mum ended up leaving them here. I put Dad's coat in the spare room (that was a dumping ground for anything we couldn't unpack properly) and forgot about soon after.

I'd begun grieving right after mum left in May last year and went through a really dark time for a few months. During this time, I'd gone to get some baby clothes for Henry from the spare room and noticed dad's coat in a bag. I picked it up and it smelt so strongly like my dad. So many memories can flooding back but it was a source of comfort. I would find myself from time to time taking his coat out and taking a few moments to just hold it and have a good ol' sniff. It made me happy and doing it made me wonder if Dad would be having a laugh at me from Heaven at me smelling his coat :-)

At some point I put the coat away when I was sorting through some stuff. I hung it in the wardrobe and forgot about it. With mum due to visit in January for Will's 4th Birthday, Pete and I spent an evening sorting through the spare room and making it welcoming for mum to sleep in there. I was moving things into the wardrobe when I noticed Dad's coat. I took it out and gave it a sniff but was devastated in moments when I discovered that his smell had completely gone. I started sobbing on the spot whilst holding onto his coat. I managed to tell Pete that his smell had gone and I completely broke down crying. Pete took the coat and wrapped it around me and hugged it into me. He said that Dad would want to give me a huge hug. As he wrapped the coat around me in a hug it felt as though it was my Dad hugging me vicariously through Peter. I felt as though he was watching over me in that very moment and using Peter to give me the biggest Daddy hug he could. I felt so much love and was grateful that even though his smell had left, he was still around and I could feel him with me. I'm so glad mum insisted on giving me his coat. I don't know whether I'll ever use it again...at least not in the same way, but it is comforting to know that even a small piece of my Dad is hanging in my wardrobe. I'll remember that when I am aching for a Daddy hug, I can cuddle into his coat and imagine that he's here with me.