Dad's coat

Right after our move to Adelaide my mum came to visit for a couple of weeks. At that stage, Dad had only been gone for a couple of months and things were still pretty raw. I still wasn't really grieving properly and it was just an odd time. Mum had brought over a coat of Dad's and a couple of shirts for Peter. I really wasn't keen but mum ended up leaving them here. I put Dad's coat in the spare room (that was a dumping ground for anything we couldn't unpack properly) and forgot about soon after.

I'd begun grieving right after mum left in May last year and went through a really dark time for a few months. During this time, I'd gone to get some baby clothes for Henry from the spare room and noticed dad's coat in a bag. I picked it up and it smelt so strongly like my dad. So many memories can flooding back but it was a source of comfort. I would find myself from time to time taking his coat out and taking a few moments to just hold it and have a good ol' sniff. It made me happy and doing it made me wonder if Dad would be having a laugh at me from Heaven at me smelling his coat :-)

At some point I put the coat away when I was sorting through some stuff. I hung it in the wardrobe and forgot about it. With mum due to visit in January for Will's 4th Birthday, Pete and I spent an evening sorting through the spare room and making it welcoming for mum to sleep in there. I was moving things into the wardrobe when I noticed Dad's coat. I took it out and gave it a sniff but was devastated in moments when I discovered that his smell had completely gone. I started sobbing on the spot whilst holding onto his coat. I managed to tell Pete that his smell had gone and I completely broke down crying. Pete took the coat and wrapped it around me and hugged it into me. He said that Dad would want to give me a huge hug. As he wrapped the coat around me in a hug it felt as though it was my Dad hugging me vicariously through Peter. I felt as though he was watching over me in that very moment and using Peter to give me the biggest Daddy hug he could. I felt so much love and was grateful that even though his smell had left, he was still around and I could feel him with me. I'm so glad mum insisted on giving me his coat. I don't know whether I'll ever use it again...at least not in the same way, but it is comforting to know that even a small piece of my Dad is hanging in my wardrobe. I'll remember that when I am aching for a Daddy hug, I can cuddle into his coat and imagine that he's here with me. 

What a year

I've reached the point where I think it's almost impossible to catch up with all that's been happening over the past 5-6 months. Being completely honest, this year has been pretty awful. We've had a few amazing things happen...and if it weren't for that I think I would still be in the dark place I've been in recently. 

I just don't have the energy to go into details other than I've felt very down and lacking energy. Lots of stress and anxiety was brought on by grief and exhaustion. I am very happy to say that I am feeling a lot better now that Henry is sleeping through the night and I'm getting the amount I've exercise I've craved...and having the support of a very amazing husband I feel more positive than I have in months. 

So some of the things that have happened since Dad passed away in Febuary; Pete was head hunted for a job with Vision Stream and landed a great position in Adelaide. The pay rise and change of State meant we could buy our first home. It all fell into place so quickly and I feel like Dad had a hand in it all :-) 

It's really exciting to be in our very own place and we are loving the space, location and so many things. Will calls it our 'Yellow house' as it has a yellow front door and the front gate is also yellow. He still gets a bit confused that we are now living in Adelaide but he is enjoying life. I do feel a bit sad though as he misses his many gorgeous little mates in Melbourne. 

Henry is sleeping well and is getting around like a champ. He is a super quick crawler and at 11 months is starting to climb and is a little more adventurous than I'd like at times. He is still a velcro baby. He loves his mummy - though his first word was 'Dad' :-( 

He is saying 'Dad' and 'Mum' now and is understanding a lot more. He learnt to point, clap , wave and stand all in the same week when he was 10 months old. He has 4 teeth with another 2 that have appeared in the last fortnight. They have cut but haven't moved all the way down yet. 

Will is enjoying doing a morning of occasional care once a week and I am loving a bit of quiet for a few hours each week. 

I will do a more detailed post at some stage about the house as it's something I want to keep a record of. 

My mum visited a few weeks after our move and got the boys the biggest Trampoline available. Good thing we have a big yard!

 Will has enjoyed spending time with his cousins. It is great being so close to family!

Henry got to meet his Great Grandma Watt for the first time. We need to see her again!

 We were lucky to meet Great Aunty Morag too. 

Pete had never met his Aunty until this year! We all LOVED her!

 This is what my monitor looked like for many months! Night time shenanigans. So glad to say that I don't have this view anymore!

The previous owners of our house subdivided the block (it was huge). Someone is now building next door and we have a great relationship with the builders. Will even got to drive the digger!

 Now that the weather is finally getting better we will do more trips to the Adelaide Zoo

We love hanging out with Toby and Collette. So glad I have such a great friend so close by!

We are also loving out local library at Woodcroft. Will enjoyed a free kid's concert - The amazing Drumming Monkeys back in July! This is his smile for the camera these days!

A cute one of Will in our kitchen. It's one of the few things I am not so keen on in our place. I am used to an open plan kitchen and more bench space! It is still functional though and we LOVE the oven so that's always a plus :-)

 Just a cute one of Henry showing off his new skills!

We finally got another family photo. 

Dad's funeral

When Dad passed away the feeling of calm that had been with me when I first flew to Tassie returned. For the first few days after he died, I just went into organise mode. I knew I'd have lots to do but I didn't realise just how busy I would be. 

It was several days before I could actually sit down during Henry's nap time and have a little time to myself...even then, there always seemed to be someone I had to ring, photos to scan for the Funeral Program, etc etc. Mum was not well enough to organise anything and instead of delegating some tasks to my brothers, I took it all on. I think I was so determined to be the strong one and to carry my family through that week I didn't want to put any pressure on them. Granted, there was a lot of things that can't really be delegated to a non-relative but I could have saved myself a lot of stress if I had thought more clearly. Seems a silly thing to even say though. Does anyone really think 'clearly' at such a time?! 

As I was saying, the first few days were actually really good. I got lots organised and was able to spend a lot of time with mum and my brothers. I even went to the gym and enjoyed doing some amazing Yoga classes. I was feeling centred and calm. It must have been the calm before the storm though. It wasn't long before tension got too much between mum and I and I was hanging out for Pete and Will to get back to Tassie. My Aunts and Grandma arrived in the midst of this and could tell how stressed I was and that I was at the end of my patience with mum. 

Our lovely Bishop's wife, Kylie offered their home for our family/relatives to stay over. Pete and I took the boys there for a break for mum and I. It was so great to have that space and try to finalise the Eulogy without being interrupted. I can't thank The Bailey Family enough for opening their home and their hearts to us at that time. I remember the day before the Funeral when we were on our way to the Bailey's I had my first real cry since Dad passed away. It was tears of frustration and stress. I was feeling overwhelmed by the tasks I had to do for the Funeral and was also trying to keep some semblance of routine and normality for the boys. I told Pete that I just wanted the Funeral to be over so I could let go of the associated stress...and I just wanted to farewell Dad properly and help Will in particular have closure that made sense to him. He was so close to his Grandad and I wanted to be focused on helping him have a positive experience and farewell his Grandad in a calm and happy manner. 

Writing Dad's eulogy took a lot of time. I had to do it in dribs and drabs and things just weren't flowing until the day before the funeral. I'm so glad that Pete was able to be there from the day before so I could have him watch both the boys so I could get a good couple of hours to do some writing. I had lots that I wanted to include but didn't want to be talking forever. My good friends, The Watson family told me that I should include everything I wanted as those attending the funeral would want to hear all about dad. I'm glad they were able to tell me that before the funeral so I wasn't worried about taking too much time. 

The day of the funeral I was quite tense. We were running later than I would have liked and I was pretty frazzled when we arrived at the chapel. I handed over a bunch of stuff to someone (no idea who now) to set up a table of dad's things for people to look at. A few people approached me and gave hugs and offered condolences but it was all a blur. I hugged them back and talked to them but I couldn't tell you who they were.

We had a viewing and it was nice to be able to just have some private family time before the funeral. When we arrived I still hadn't decided whether Will should view Dad's body. I was concerned he wouldn't understand that his spirit wasn't there and I didn't want to scare him...I felt in the end that it would be good for him to say goodbye.

We explained to Will that Grandad's spirit had gone to Heaven with Jesus and Heavenly Father, but that his body was going into the ground. Will seemed to understand it wasn't really Grandad in the casket and he actually pointed into the distance and told us Grandad was going to Heaven.

He was more than happy to give Grandad a kiss. I reminisced about saying goodbye to my brother Dylan when I was about WIll's age. I have very distinct memories of giving Dylan a kiss and exclaiming that "he tasted funny." Mum tells me it was the makeup etc...I remember a lot of little moments from his funeral so I dearly hope Will can remember some things too and have tangible memories to hold close in the years to come. 

I was so impressed with the staff at Lethborg. They were wonderful throughout the whole process. Things went so smoothly and it was just nice not to have to worry about some of the other details. Of course the members of the church here in Launceston were absolutely wonderful. The Relief Society sisters prepared lots of food and Nettie almost singlehandedly ran the afternoon tea. So many people were so willing to help. When I asked certain people to help with the music and choristoring etc they were so glad to be a part of this sacred occasion. Dad would have been so touched and grateful for their contributions. Just as we all were.

I remember talking with dad just before he died and he was wondering whether many people would come to his funeral. I don't think he expected a big turn out so I think he would have been rather chuffed that the Chapel was full and lots of old and new friends were there to celebrate his life. In the days after the funeral I discovered so many names in the guest book who I hadn't seen at the funeral at all. 

Dad's sister, Pat and brother, Alan were able to be there for the funeral. It was a great strength to me to have them there to honor their brother. 

Mum and I went and bought a lovely journal for people to record messages in for Dad and the family. I can't tell you how touching it is to read the lovely words and see what an impact Dad had on those around him. 

The service was lovely. I was nervous about the Eulogy and had already arranged with Pete to take over if I broke down and couldn't continue. Henry was due for a nap right at the time of the funeral and Nettie just came and grabbed him and he was asleep in her arms in no time. He remained there fast asleep even as she shared a lovely poem for Dad. 

The sister missionaries sang a beautiful song and I could tell they were raw with emotion. A handful of brethren sang Dad's favourite hymn, Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy. That was one of Dad's main requests for the funeral and I was glad some of the beautiful harmonies were noticeable even though they hadn't even practiced before hand :-)

I was able to read the Eulogy and even though I cried through some of it I was able to keep it together and be understood. I looked up at the beginning and actually thought I saw my dad. It stunned for a moment and when I looked again I saw someone else in the same place. I'm not sure what to make of it but it's nice to think that Dad may have made an appearance. He did say he'd like to hear his Eulogy. I hope I gave a nice account of his amazing life and his influence as the best dad you could ever ask for. I got lots of lovely feedback from people so I feel assured that I did dad proud. 

Our Stake President, Lionel Walters, gave the closing remarks and he emphasised the blessing of eternal families made possible through the Savior's atonement. Dad would have loved his talk!

Simeon and Reuben were great with Nick. Nick is a young man dad used to work with at a group home for St Michael's Association. Nick has Down Syndrome and always reminded us a little of Dylan. He adored dad and they had a lovely relationship. I am really glad mum asked him to be a pallbearer. He took his role very seriously and he did a fantastic job. 

My beautiful Nan was heart sore and so tired by the end of the funeral. She told me that it was a lovely funeral.

I can't express what a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders after the funeral. I actually started noticing people and was able to engage in conversation. Even though it was sad, there were many lovely catch ups and times of smiles and laughter. 

A much smaller group attended Dad's burial. It had an intimate feeling and it was lovely that Dad was represented with Navy veterans who placed the Navy flag and then poppies on his casket...and even though the recording of the last post skipped, it was a great tribute. 

Aunty Pat was able to place some poppies on her Dad and Grandad's behalf. 

Will enjoyed placing a poppy for Grandad also. 

Dad's body reached it's final resting place as Andre Bocelli's "Time to Say Goodbye" played. It started to hit home hard at that point...

Kylie Bailey was amazing yet again. As I was preparing for the Funeral, she gave me a bunch of butterfly cut outs and said that if I was interested for Will, he could do some more butterfly stamps and could throw them onto Dad's casket once it was lowered. She said it would be something fun and positive and something special just for him to do for his Grandad. I was so grateful for that. I hadn't even thought of anything like that but I immediately knew that Will would love it and it would give him tangible memories of this sacred day.

Will was so gentle and was so proud to have something to contribute to his beloved Grandad. 

Will has mentioned the butterflies often when we talk about his Grandad. 

I am so thankful to Lisa King who took these beautiful photos. She also wrote a lovely blog post about Dad's funeral which you can read here. It describes the following photos rather well ;-)

It was good to go back to the chapel and have time to have afternoon tea and speak to our beautiful friends. I can't express how much it meant to me to have one of my closest friends fly back from Adelaide and another friend who does a fly in fly out job in Port Headland also attend. We are so blessed to have wonderful people in our lives and their attendance and respect for dad buoyed up my soul!