I've been feeling conflicted about how I want to approach this post. When I began this blog I knew that I wanted to be candid about my life, very much like I am in person. With the explosion of social media it can be difficult to accurately convey what your life is truly like and one can come off as having a "perfect life." I am an avid blog reader and appreciate the bloggers that document the good and the bad.
I'm not saying I have been deceiving the world, because I really am a happy person and I feel incredibly blessed in my life. I have so much to be grateful for and realise each and every day that I need to do more to help others who are not so fortunate and I have a long way to go in becoming a better person...
January has been like a hurricane. I have rejoiced as I witnessed wonderful friends welcome babies into the world and I my heart has ached as friends experienced absolute tragedy. An old friend of mine passed away suddenly last week and a lovely couple from mum and dad's church ward lost their beautiful baby girl. On top of this tragic news I have been struggling with the deteriorating health of my father. When we returned to Melbourne after Christmas dad very suddenly became unwell. Of course he wasn't in great health over Christmas, but his pain became so bad that he began having falls and he couldn't even get out of bed. He was admitted to hospital about a week ago and his meds were tripled to combat his pain. He was sent down to Hobart for another PET Scan to see what was happening with his cancer and the results showed that the cancer has basically doubled since his last scan in October 2013.
We are at the point where there are very few treatment options and dad is consulting regularly with a palliative care doctor. We did learn that he is eligible for a trial drug therapy and there is a last ditch treatment of intense chemo that he can have...but at this stage that could very well kill him in his current condition. Mum and Simeon are pretty tender at the moment and Reub is concerned too in his own way. Reub is just incredibly hard to read and not outwardly expressive...I have faith that God works miracles but I'm just not sure whether we're going to get the miracle we are hoping for at this time. It is a bit of a wait and see game and we can only pray and press forward, trying to be as positive as we can. I'm really proud of mum, who has been a lot more patient and positive these past few weeks. Simeon has been a good support to her but I know she needs me there. I'm planning to take the boys there in the next couple of weeks and see how things are going. I have no doubt that cuddles with Will and Henry are like little miracles in themselves!
Pete and I also have some big decisions to make for our family. Possibilities of a new job exist in both Melbourne and Adelaide but we're also open to relocating to Tassie if we feel that's what we need to do. Mum and I speak almost every night and she is constantly saying "I wish you were in Tassie." I would live there in a heartbeat but it's not a simple matter of finding a job for Peter who works in a niche area of Engineering. He'd be happy to take a basic job for a couple of years but we have to think about his future and what is going to be best longterm for our family. We want to establish roots in an area and really just feel settled. We just feel torn as their are so many paths we can take and we just don't have a clear idea which road to take at this time. We know that with continual pondering, prayer and discussion we will come to a good decision. It's just so hard being in limbo. I am feeling quite unsettled and I'm also getting little sleep as Henry's sleeping and feeding has hit what I hear is a typical 4 month old regression stage.
We are going to visit the Melbourne Temple on Saturday and are looking forward to the inevitable feelings of peace and closeness to our Heavenly Father that we experience in that beautiful place. It is a place for prayer, reflection and learning. It will be a long overdue visit for us.
Pete and I also have some big decisions to make for our family. Possibilities of a new job exist in both Melbourne and Adelaide but we're also open to relocating to Tassie if we feel that's what we need to do. Mum and I speak almost every night and she is constantly saying "I wish you were in Tassie." I would live there in a heartbeat but it's not a simple matter of finding a job for Peter who works in a niche area of Engineering. He'd be happy to take a basic job for a couple of years but we have to think about his future and what is going to be best longterm for our family. We want to establish roots in an area and really just feel settled. We just feel torn as their are so many paths we can take and we just don't have a clear idea which road to take at this time. We know that with continual pondering, prayer and discussion we will come to a good decision. It's just so hard being in limbo. I am feeling quite unsettled and I'm also getting little sleep as Henry's sleeping and feeding has hit what I hear is a typical 4 month old regression stage.
We are going to visit the Melbourne Temple on Saturday and are looking forward to the inevitable feelings of peace and closeness to our Heavenly Father that we experience in that beautiful place. It is a place for prayer, reflection and learning. It will be a long overdue visit for us.
2 comments:
Life can be pretty tough sometimes. I'm sorry to hear that your dad has got worse. I hope that you find the peace that you need at this time. Will pray for you all. Thinking of you. Love Vicki Travers
Little Missy, I held you in my arms and rocked you to sleep as a baby and it comforted both of us back then. It comforted me that your dad trusted me to love you and take care of you while waiting for my own little miracles to happen. Life didn't go the way I expected it to but I ended up being a much better version of myself my learning "Thy will not my will be done". That has been hard for me to learn because I am not, by nature patient. I now acknowledge that I do not know the end from the beginning, which is why Heavenly Father is Omnipotent God and I am, well, just me. Of course, none of this helps much, you just want that one miracle that restores Derek to health. I used to be so angry that the doctors hadn't told your parents that Dylan was dying because they were left feeling so guilty and with so many "What ifs.." Now I wonder if maybe they were right because I see you questioning your faith and asking, "Is my/our faith enough?" when maybe we should be asking "What are the lessons for eternity that we are learning here?" In the end it all boils down to how much we love each other. There is no doubt in my mind that Derek loved you and Jenny and your brothers with all his heart; there is also no doubt that you love him and that you and he have expressed your love for one another. I just wish you were little again and all it took were some hugs and kisses to make everything alright again. As for the rest, you and Pete are smart, you will, like your mum and dad before you make the decisions which are right for you and your children. I love you Mel, I always will, you and Derek will continue to be in my prayers. Enjoy the temple on Saturday... Joan
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