I still don't know if what I'm feeling is anything like Post natal depression or anxiety but I know I just haven't felt like myself for awhile. Having looked into it a bit and after considering how I'm feeling I think most of it comes down to stress. Admitting that seems ridiculous though, because what on earth do I have to stress about!? I mean, come on. I live in a great country, I don't want for anything and I have purpose in life. I have the gospel which brings meaning and direction.
Overall I think I am mainly just sleep deprived. I never appreciated how rejuvenating and vital a good night's sleep could be. When you don't get it for so long it starts to impact on EVERY aspect of your life. I know I'm preaching to the converted here as so many of you lovely blog readers are mothers and full time workers and know firsthand what I'm talking about. I used to get annoyed when I was working full time and would get really tired and mothers would tell me - you don't know what tired is. Wait til you have a baby!! I used to think, what gives them the authority on being tired. Now having experienced lack of sleep and then having to take care of such a needy little human being I can see where they were coming from. I still think some women can be a bit unfair when they make these sorts of comments to others but I can really sympathise with them now. It's just a different kind of tired I think. I think it messes with your mind a bit. I guess that gives weight to the "baby brain" case.
Anyway, I went to the doctor last night and got some blood tests and just had a good chat to him. I made an evening appointment so Pete could come with me (our new housemate stayed at home with sleeping Will - more to come on that in another post :) The doctor drew a Venn diagram for me but unlike the image below, he made the 3 circles different sizes.
The smallest represented "biological," the next "emotional" and the biggest "spiritual." He said it's easy to just look at the biological and often prescribe anti-depressants but the other areas are where we need to look first. I completely agreed with him. He then spoke about how the spiritual can represent one's faith, whether they're religious or not. It could simply be about one's culture or values. When this area is lacking it directly influences our happiness. I was so impressed with his holistic approach to my concerns and Pete and I got the impression he has some sort of faith that keeps him grounded also. I am the first to admit that my spirituality has been low for some time but when I was talking to the doctor it really hit home that concentrating on improving this aspect of my life will make everything else better. Duh! I know this! When I'm in a spiritual funk I know I need to work harder at reading my scriptures and saying my prayers so why have I let it get so bad!? Anyway, this is getting a little personal so I'll just summarise by saying that I know what I need to do to get myself back on track. I can't necessarily control the sleep problem to the extent I would like but I can turn to my Heavenly Father and do what he pleads with all of us to do "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. " Matthew 11:28-30This scripture just came to my mind right at this moment of posting and I know it is an answer to my prayer. The rest spoken of is what I need. I am so grateful for the scriptures. I know that they are there to communicate Heavenly Father's love and direction for us. I'm not sure how people will feel reading this. I feel like I've been completely candid. It's like reading a page from my real journal. It's been therapeutic for me to record this and through it I've received direction.
I am feeling better already and ready to ENJOY this day. xxx
5 comments:
Mel :) thank you for posting this. It's those moments when you get back on track that you realise how much you miss feeling connected to that higher power. i've been there (you know when I write those epic posts to pick myself up!) There is something healing about writing it down as well- gets it out of your head and clears space for all the things that are important. I'm proud of you!! :) xoxox
i love how you are so open and candid...when you write stuff like that down it is part of the recognition and realization of the healing process...i know that you are just the best mum and i want to say there is a time and a season for all of us...but that doesnt help how you feel right now...so glad you went to the doc... the HG does direct us to do what we sometimes dont see right in front of us and we bypass too easy...that is just the mamman in us... if sending you huge nettie hugs and kisses helps then they are there with you now...LOVE YA LOADS...mmmmmwwwwaaahhhhh XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
keep praying and reading those scriptures and hugging, kissing and loving to bits that precious little man {and the big one} (who deprives you of sleep but you wouldnt have it any other way i know)..a time and a season remember!!!!
Hi Mel. You can never be prespared for motherhood really can you - the good and the not so good :) I hope you start feeling back to your old self really soon. I was just at the gym this morning talking to Simone about how exercise makes us feel so much better. I'm not sure if you ever get a chance to work out, but I know that there are lots of studies about exercise and how it can help a lot with depression - even better than medication as it has no bad side effects :) Glad you are working on the spiritual side - I'm sure it won't take long before you feel good again. Just recognising that things aren't right is the first step. Love to you xxxx
Thanks for hitting "post" and taking a chance on your group of readers, with some less than glamorous news. It just reminds us that despite all of your very fabulous qualities, you are human like the rest of us :-) Mel, I have known a number of people who get the "blues" after the birth of their babies, and everyone has different approaches. Sometimes getting in touch with your personal time, and your relationship with God will do the trick. Sometimes having a few months of prescription meds is all it takes to get out of the funk and feel back to "normal", and I know other people who just force themselves to go through the motions of cleaning the house, taking care of their baby, etc. even though those activities no longer hold the reward that they used to. Luckily, this too shall pass! I hope that yours passes soon, and that the most intervention you need is to reunite with your daily spiritual routine. However, please do recognize if that's not quite enough! Enjoying this time with Will is worth the inconvenience of considering a prescription. It sounds like you're not really feeling like "yourself" and sometimes it takes a bit of hormonal counterbalance for these months of adjustment. I apologize if I come across as a meds pusher - I absolutely DON'T think everyone needs them, but sometimes I see people at church suffer because they feel that being righteous will cure them of some problems that aren't always based in spirituality. Like you, my first attack is always to take inventory of how I have been using my free time and what I need to improve (it usually comes down to reading scriptures, prayer, attending the temple, etc.) and I think it's a brilliant way to go! I hope it does the trick! We love you guys and have every confidence that you are proving to be the most amazing parents!!!! XOXO
Metta - I don't know you but I LOVE your comment. I totally, totally agree with this. Working on the spiritual side of things can be great, but it doesn't always mean things are going to get better. There is often a stigma at church that you should be right, you should just get on with things etc as you know there is a purpose to it all. Yeah that's true, but it doesn't mean that people can't still feel 'blue' or be depressed or be sad or angry about situations they are going through.
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